I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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