Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
