its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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