This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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