Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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