Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
