I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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