I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
