I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
