Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
