You're my little dorito
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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