Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
