how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize