I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
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