you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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