she woke up with a sticky ear
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Terrible idea I love it
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
