If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
BRING THE BAGELS
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