i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
