Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
