i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
