I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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