Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
