Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
