I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
