I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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