i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Randomize
