Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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