What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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