I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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