If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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