hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
