Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
