I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
