Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The best revenge is premature balding
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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