I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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