he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
