he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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