never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
