He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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