Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize