Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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