I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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