All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
