So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
