so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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