You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
