my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
