Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
