I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
