I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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