I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
