Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
