I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
