It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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