Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
