I think my fart just growled at me.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
