i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
